The Alphabet of Meredith Grey
by ellenlovesellen
Summary: A one-shot for every letter of the alphabet about Meredith - her story, her attitude, her world.
1. Chapter 1

**Here we go again, apparently. I have another tiny project on the way and I'm really anxious to see how you will react - let me explain.**

 **There a great video on Youtube, made by** **nete J** **-** _ **The Alphabet of Meredith Grey**_ **. They chose some words which describe Meredith in every aspect of her being. I'm going to write a collect of short stories, using the same words of the video. So, my first thank you goes to who made the video - I truly cried when I saw it.**

 **I have a** **WARNING** **: this WON'T be a MerDer story. There will be Derek, of course, because he described a lot of Meredith's sides, but the one-shots are about Meredith. Just her. So don't expect a MerDer plot or anything or you'll be unhappy. If you want some MerDer, check my page and you'll find plenty.**

 **Some of this one-shts will be sad, especially the first three of them, but don't worry! And another thing - I have strange, different ideas about the show than the rest of you. So, if you see something you don't expect, don't quit - just trust me.**

 **Another THANK YOU goes to CileSun92, my beta… and to merder32 because it's thanks to her that I started writing.**

 **This is a tribute - to Meredith Grey, who is simply my hero, in every flaws, in every beautiful or awful fiber of her being. So thank you to Shonda Rhimes, because even if we haven't always been happy with her choices, she gave us Meredith.**

 **And it's a tribute to Ellen Pompeo, too - my idol and icon. Meredith won't be Meredith without her green eyes, her smile, the light of her face.**

 **I don't own anything, obviously. If I did, I'd be in LA sipping some iced tea on a beach with Ellen Pompeo in a bikini, and on your TV you'd see Meredith and Derek constantly making love in the house in the woods.**

 **Love, Hel.**

* * *

 _ **The Alphabet of Meredith Grey**_

 _ **A**_ _lone_

 _ **Came to you with a broken faith  
gave me more than a hand to hold**_

 _ **caught before I hit the ground  
tell me I'm safe, you got my now.  
[...]**_

 _ **Could you take care of a broken soul?**_

 _ **Will you hold me now?  
Will you take me home?  
**_

Meredith Grey rolled over in her big bed.

She had been so tired during the entire day she had been sure she would be out as soon as her head would have touched the pillow, but she was awake. What a long, eternal day…

Work, the hospital, keeping an eye on her patients - and her interns, most of all, – a transplant, paperwork...she loved being Chief of General and yet she disliked paperwork with every fiber of her being.

And home was another big mess. She couldn't cook - even after three kids - but being inept at cooking meant hanging around Maggie, her sister, while _she_ did all the cooking. Today, she had chatted, and chatted, and chatted, and then Amelia had showed up, babbling about Dr. Hunt; and then there had been Alex, telling her _Jo invited over her friends so I thought I'd spend the night with my favorite girl_ , and then staying for dinner.

Of course, there had been her kids as well. Zola wanted Meredith's attention while she rambled about her school project, Bailey wanted Meredith to play cars with him, Ellis was fussy and she completely refused to stay anywhere but in her mother's arms. Meredith wanted to cuddle with her and see if the little girl would take some milk, but it was impossible to convince Zola or Bailey to play with their aunts and uncle. Usually, they loved Maggie, Amelia and Alex, but clearly not , Meredith had managed to convince everyone to watch a Disney movie in mama's bed, where of course, they had passed out in five seconds tops.

Now, obviously, she couldn't move as she liked, because she still had Ellis' face against her chest and Bailey's arms lazily wrapped around her waist. Zola was the only one who slept peacefully curled up in her corner.

"Mommy?" she heard a sleepy voice coming from behind, and she turned around slightly, even if Ellis protested in her sleep.

"What's up, Bails?"

She shifted a hand from Ellis' back to stroke Bailey's hair, hoping he wouldn't wake up his sisters.

"Nothing," the little boy murmured, closing his eyes again. Meredith stroked his face, thinking he was falling asleep again, when he said: "You can't sleep?"

"I miss daddy," she breathed, sighing deeply. She rarely told her children how much she missed Derek - she always focused on comforting them.

"Me too," Bailey murmured, pouting slightly - the splitting image of his father. "But I'm here," he added.

Meredith kissed his forehead: "I know. You're the man of my life."

"Luv you, Mama," he mumbled, scooting closer to her back, when Ellis whimpered in her sleep - she had been ignored long enough. She was restless even in her sleep, and Meredith rocked the baby girl against her chest.

It was official, Meredith couldn't sleep. It was past two in the morning, from the semi-opened window of her bedroom she could hear the noises of the night coming from the street. She breathed deeply, looking down to study her baby girl's face in the moonlight. Her hair was curly and blonde, a mix of both her parents, and she had Derek's chin and lips. Meredith closed her eyes tightly, as the first tears made their appearance in her eyes.

She couldn't stand how a bed full of kids - kids she loved more than life itself - could feel so empty. They gave her strength, they were her backbones, and she spent every moment of her day being strong - for them, for herself, in a small part, even for Amelia. But when it was night, and she was alone in her bed, she felt the great emptiness of her heart.

People always left her - her father had been MIA her entire life, her mother was a complicate subject, her sister had died as soon as Meredith had learned how to love her. Even Cristina, her person, had left her. But if she took a moment to analyze the situation, she had also plenty of people in her life. She had Alex, her brother, her best friend. She had Maggie and Amelia, who were annoying and chatty and Amelia was a real drama queen but they were her sisters. She had Callie and Jackson and Owen and many other friends. She had her kids, and beautiful precious jewels.

But she was _alone._

For the first time in her life, Meredith Grey was truly, really, entirely alone. She had lost her husband and even if every other time she had lost someone she had always known how to picking up the pieces and go on, losing Derek was - still, after three years - like being a boat tossed around by the wind. She didn't know how to manage, she didn't know how to be herself. She had lost her best friend, her other half, the best part of her soul.

She cried, silently, trying not to wake her kids, holding Ellis closer to her chest. She only allowed herself to break down at night, when she could squeeze her eyes shut and try with everything she had to imagine him, his voice, his arms around her as they slept - he spooned her from behind, his arm lazily around her waist exactly like Bailey was doing in that moment. She still could feel his stubble scratching her chin in the mornings while he had kissed her neck.

She had never stopped loving him, not once in three years. She had loved him since the night he had told her " _I'm just hiding my pain_ _"_ at Joe's, his eyes so intense she had found it hard to breath. He had messed up her entire life, chasing her to be with him, to go out with him, to give him a chance. And now she was a mother, she ran a department in one of the best teaching hospitals in the country, and yet, she felt useless. She felt clueless - she was clueless about _living_. She needed to search hard to find a piece on him in her heart, in her soul - his smile, his smirk. She had to pretend she was still next to him or she would die, with him, after him.

Because now, Meredith Grey was _alone_.


	2. Chapter 2

_**2.**_ _ **B**_ _roken_

 _ **Loving can hurt sometimes  
but it's the only thing that I know  
when it gets hard -  
you know it can get hard sometimes  
it's the only thing that make us feel alive**_

Meredith Grey sat on the ground in the tunnel she used to hang out with her friends her intern year, avoiding her responsibilities as a resident and Derek. Mostly Derek and his nurse.

She sat down, the feeling of the cold floor against her thighs and her butt, her back leaned on the wall. She had a can of Coke and a bag of chips in her hand, unopened. She was enjoying her break - a break from her ten-hour shift, but also a break from being all smiley and acting like nothing had happened. It was a hard job, because in fact _everything_ had happened.

She had lost everything she had, again. She had witnessed her heart being ripped from her chest and shattered to the ground, again.

Her mom had died - she had died, after telling her she was a common, pathetic, weak, ordinary person. Once again Ellis had said she was a waste of space on the planet. Her mother had always been able to turn every weakness in Meredith's nature to terrifying, gigantic fears. She had always been able to turn her into a shaking, fragile creature. Her mother had dominated her entire life, determining more than anyone else the person Meredith had become.

Which was this small, strong, complicated girl who was feeling completely useless, sitting on the ground with her unopened snacks.

Meredith had spent a great amount of time and energy hating her mother, all the years of her childhood and part of her adult life. Meredith had to hate her because she had been sure her mother had never loved her. Sometimes, when she had been a teenager, she had spent endless nights, awake in her bed, waiting for Ellis to show up in her room just to take her in her arms and stroke her hair in silence.

But now her mother was dead. Her mommy was a handful of ashes, and she will never hold her again. And

Meredith was sitting on the ground at Seattle Grace where it seemed like everything was still the same. But everything had changed and she was _broken._

She opened the bag of chips and put one between her lips, swallowing down the nausea.

Her stepmom had died for the hiccups and her dad had slapped her.

The only member of her family who could make her feel loved in a long time had died and her dad, the man who had been MIA her entire life, had slapped her in the middle of the hall. In front of the Chief. And in front of Derek.

She ate another chip, trying to ignore the nausea and to divert her thoughts from Derek.

Her _dad_ had slapped her in the middle of the hall, telling her it was her fault if Susan had died. He had abandoned her when she was five, he hadn't seen her grow up, he didn't see who she was now _because she looked so much like her mother_. He hadn't been able to be a dad because of the anger he still felt toward Ellis, and then he had appeared, and Meredith had let herself fall in love with Susan, with the idea of being pampered by her, of being loved, maybe to even have a mother for once in her life. She had loved her enough to feel cold and empty inside when Susan had died. She hadn't needed her father slapping her and telling her it was her fault.

Meredith had the feeling she wasn't strong enough for this. She wasn't strong for any of this, because she was _broken._

She swallowed some Coke along with her nausea, letting her mind stop on Derek for the first time, that day.

They broke up and he was all smiley and holding hands with that nurse, that Rose.

Okay, even if she was a mess.S he knew Rose didn't have anything to do with her messed up parents or even with her break-up with Derek. She hadn't even been in the picture when Ellis and Susan had died and she was far away from them when Thatcher had slapped her and Derek walked around telling her she was the love of his life.

 _Love of his life her ass._ She hated him, stupid brain surgeon. Stupid, stupid brainless brain man. She was the love of his life and he had left her. Or maybe she had left him… She didn't know. What she knew for sure was that Rose didn't have anything to do with any of this except now she was the woman who slept in his bed. In his arms. _In Meredith's spot._

She hadn't been enough for him - he didn't want her. He wanted to get married and have kids and she wasn't even capable of keeping herself together. She was falling apart and he walked around holding hand with that bitch.

She didn't love him anymore. She wasn't like Cristina - she wasn't going to be left at the altar, with a room full of people. She didn't love him - and she was a fool. Because she wished she could stop loving him, but the truth was, she was crazy about that idiot. Every fiber of her being was crazy in love with him, and she hated herself because she wasn't able to let him in, to ask for his help to keep her little body together.

She had lost him forever, she had lost everything, she was even losing herself.

She put the Coke and the chips aside, she leaned over and threw up on the floor.

She was _broken_ \- maybe forever.


	3. Chapter 3

**This is slightly AU… I couldn't resist.**

 **For the first time ever, this is without beta. And, as you know, I'm Italian, so… I tried.**

 _ **3\. C**_ _hild_

 _ **There was a time, I used to look into my father's eyes  
In a happy home, I was a king I had a gold throne **_

_**Those days are gone, now the memories are on the wall**_

 _ **I hear the sounds from the places where I was born**_ __

Meredith had a strange day.

Her days had been all strange, lately, since her and mommy had moved to Boston without daddy. At first Meredith had thought they had moved because daddy moved, too. So they will follow him and Meredith would stay with her daddy again while mommy was at work. But nothing like that had happened. No daddy - no more. Today, Meredith had understood that even mommy's work was different. She went to a different hospital and no one knew Meredith. There was no Dr. Richard no more, and no Nurse Holly to give her snacks at four o'clock. In this hospital they didn't want her to play with her Anatomy Jane in the OR gallery. They had sent her in a place called day-care. There were other kids there, but Meredith knew no one and Meredith didn't like people she didn't know.

Now, she was happy to be at home. Mommy was in her den and had refused to come play when Meredith had asked, so she had come back to her room to spend time with Mr. Teddy, even if this room was brown with white walls and she preferred pink ones like at home. Her daddy had painted them for her. Anyway, this room had a nice window which Meredith liked a lot. There was a house, in front of hers, with big windows from which she could look into the place. She knew it wasn't polite, but she couldn't help: she grabbed Mr. Teddy and went sit on the sill. Lights were on, and the Mommy had the girl in her arms, while she was eating a piece of cake. The little girl had brown crazy hair and blue eyes, and Meredith thought she was her age, but probably she was little because her mommy held her in her arms and Meredith's mommy not. Mommy always said she was too much of a big girl to be held.

The daddy entered the room with the boy - Meredith knew there were three older girls but she couldn't see them. The daddy smiled and tickled the girl on her belly, while the boy sat on the couch reading a book. It was a big book with a red cover and Meredith wished she could look at it: Meredith loved books. The mommy and the daddy went with the girl on the couch to join the boy. After a few minutes, the other three girls arrived. Them all had the crazy hair, very dark, except for one - hers were a light brown. The daddy said something to the boy and ruffled his eyes. The boy smiled and Meredith liked his smile very much. She then looked at the mommy who was braiding one of the girls' hair, and squeezed Mr. Teddy to her chest. She felt something wet against her cheek.

When they tuned on the TV and off the light, Meredith looked some more. Than, like every night, she went to her bed and snuggled under the blankets. She squeezed her eyes really tight hoping to be in the other house, with the other family. She wished she could sit with a book on that couch, with a mommy stroking her hair. Then, she wished to grow up soon. She didn't like being a _child_ no more.


End file.
